Dynamic after baby

There will be a shift in your relationship or marriage with your spouse after having a baby.

You might have read that sentence and thought “no way that will happen with my relationship”. You might have read that and cried because you are currently going through this shift, or you might have read that and agreed with that statement to the fullest.

I can tell you personally that I did not think my marriage would take a shift after having a baby. I married my best friend, and both of us were so excited to become parents. How can a baby make that big of a shift in the dynamic? When both of you are pouring all your attention into the tiny miracle that you now have, it’s bound to create some sort of shift.

After we had our first baby, there were many new things that both of us had to figure out. I had to figure out how to do this “mom” thing, while going through the postpartum phase. My husband had to figure out how to support me through the postpartum phase while still working 40-hour weeks and not having a lot of time to just be himself.

Something I noticed that made this shift in the dynamic worse was when we would wake up in the morning and play the “I’m more tired than you” game. It wasn’t like we meant to prove to one another that we got less sleep than them, but it just happened. I caught on quickly that this didn’t help the situation at all. We were both getting up during the nights to take care of the new baby, so both of us were bound to be tired.

Even though there was a shift in the dynamic after having the first kid, I think I noticed it more after having the twins. This might be because the kids are only 16 months apart, so we were just getting over the first shift when our twins were born.

After the twins, there were so many changes. I mean life was very different. Other than having two cute newborns and a house full of new baby clothes, you now have more distractions, a toddler running everywhere, different priorities, and increased responsibilities.

My husband and I both work full time jobs, and he also works a part time evening job. Between the long hours of work, lack of sleep, and not having much time to do activities that we want to do, we get irritated with each other over little things. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize where your partner is coming from before reacting to the situation.

Just keep in mind that you both are going through a brand-new chapter of life together. Your relationship after baby is bound to be different, but you’ll find a new “normal” again.  Don’t let the fear of change rob you of the joy that you are holding in your arms- embrace it! You will also find a love for your partner that you never knew you had. Watching your spouse become a parent is one of the most amazing things in life!

Below are a few tips to help you and your partner flourish after having kids:

1.       Express Appreciation

Even in the little day-to-day tasks that your partner does, find time to thank your partner for what they do. Look for the good instead of nit picking your partner. If your partner takes out the trash every morning, or does the dishes every day, thank them for that – you never know how that small thank you will impact their day.

2.       Do things together

This could be going on dates or doing activities that you both enjoy. However, it could also be just hanging out together on the porch while watching a rainstorm. Or simply just hanging out with family outside of the house together can mean so much to your partner because you both are together with the people you both love.

3.       Prioritize sleep

 We all know how important sleep is to the human body. If you are lacking sleep, it will affect you in ways you might not even know. Sleep deprivation can cause anxiety, depression, and resentment. You don’t just owe it to yourself to try and get some sleep, but you owe it to your partner and your kids.

This might mean taking turns waking up with the baby at night. It could also mean going to bed earlier than you normally do in hopes that you will get an extra hour of sleep. Talk to your partner about it and come up with a plan to prioritize your sleeping habits.